So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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