I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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