I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
