some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
