i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
