I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Randomize
