I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
