Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
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I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
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We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.