I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
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She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
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Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child