I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
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I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
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I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess