I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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