my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
