I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Randomize
