I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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