i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
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I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
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You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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