I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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