What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
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He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
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I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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