my phone needs a breathalizer
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
