I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
