Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
