Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
