you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
