I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Randomize
