the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
