When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
