I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
