ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
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Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
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All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
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