Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
