Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
