it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
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Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
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pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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