Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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