Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
