I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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