My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
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yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
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Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.