I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Drake has all the answers
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Randomize
