She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
