So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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