Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
