mondays should just be called national damage control day
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
