I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
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