Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
