Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
