you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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