are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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