So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
