Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
