You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
