I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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