So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
you never un-have a 4some
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
