So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
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This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
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In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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