I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
