hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
You left your underwear on the fireplace
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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