I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
