just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
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