4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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