Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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