so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
