i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
