I wish I could punch you in the face.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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