I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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