Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
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So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
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Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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