My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Randomize
